“and if i died today i’d be the happy phantom…” –tori amos August 19, 2008

I must’ve talked to Edward for at least two hours today–and that was just phone and Skype calls. He said he didn’t talk as much or as regularly to his girlfriend when he was in California and had a girlfriend. This spawned some musing on both sides of the Atlantic–what are we doing? And I don’t have any answers, which makes me nervous. I find it very important to have answers.

He was feeling pretty upset, and though I haven’t been acknowledging it, so was I. We ended up sort of moaning into our microphones; I actually cried a bit. All I wanted was to be back in his room at Cloyne, terribly stoned, curled up in bed, weeping a bit if we needed to.

As to why he’s sad, that’s his own business, but me?  Why am I sad?  Things are going well.  I’m stable.  But stable does not mean happy.  Abilify gives me the ability to choose not to confront my demons, but it does not banish them.  After all, I was raped less than a year ago.  Nothing will ever change that.  I got quite upset about it today.  I’ve been writing an account of everything that happened that evening and afterward, and I was talking to Edward about it, and my eyes just welled up with tears because thinking about it still has the power to make me feel so worthless.  I’ve been listening to Tori Amos’ “Me and a Gun”, which is the story of her own rape at 21.  Perfectly and terribly accurate: you can laugh; it’s kind of funny things you think at times like these, like I haven’t seen Barbados, so I must get out of this.  I…ugh.  I need to talk to my psychiatrist about this some more.  I think it’s something I can eventually deal with; I’ve just done a poor job thus far, and I need help.  I want to not feel crippled by the impurity I see in myself.

On the bright side, my grandmother is taking me to the Aquarium of the Pacific, and you all know how I feel about marine animals.  

Also, I made another silly video, potentially something I’ll turn into a more elaborate project at some point.  You could think of this as a particularly high-tech storyboard, ha ha.

“I know that you cannot be here; I know that you are not mine now.” –Regina Spektor August 18, 2008

My grandmother and I went to LACMA yesterday, but I’ll spare you my waxing rhapsodic about it since it’d only be me listing pieces and names and feelings without any visceral understanding on your part.  Suffice it to say that the Broad collection and the works on display in the Japanese pavilion were quite impressive, and if you ever have a chance to visit the museum, I would highly recommend it.

This evening, we watched The English Patient, which I–shockingly enough–had never seen.  But beautiful thought it was, I must admit that the whole film was overshadowed by my intensely negative reaction to the infidelity therein.  I had no idea I was so opposed to adultery, particularly given the number of times I’ve been one of two women.  Granted, the situations in which I’ve found myself have been somewhat less obviously wrong–I’ve never been involved with a married man, for instance, and the one time I was entangled with someone in a very serious relationship, there was a sort of mutual arrangement between him and the girl in question, and we didn’t ever actually have sex (until after the fact, but that’s an entirely different story).  But still.  I was surprised by the magnitude of my own feelings.  I think it was the fact that the marriage being desecrated was not a loveless one.  Colin Firth’s character was destroyed.  I’m putting all this poorly, but basically, to put this more bluntly than is perhaps strictly necessary: adultery is like abortion in that I will defend the right to do it and deal with the consequences, but I can’t imagine myself doing it.

I suppose that sort of brings me to my next point, which is actually an online quiz I took.

The Sonnet Deliberate Gentle Love Dreamer (DGLD) Romantic, hopeful, and composed. You are the Sonnet. Get it? Composed? Sonnets want Love and have high ideals about it. They’re conscientious people, caring & careful. You yourself have deep convictions, and you devote a lot of thought to romance and what it should be. This will frighten away most potential mates, but that’s okay, because you’re very choosy with your affections anyway. You’d absolutely refuse to date someone dumber than you, for instance. Lovers who share your idealized perspective, or who are at least willing to totally throw themselves into a relationship, will be very, very happy with you. And you with them. You’re already selfless and compassionate, and with the right partner, there’s no doubt you can be sensual, even adventurously so. You probably have lots of female friends, and they have a special soft spot for you. Babies do, too, at the tippy-top of their baby skulls. Your exact female opposite: Genghis Khunt Random Brutal Sex Master Always avoid: The 5-Night Stand (DBSM), The False Messiah (DBLM), The Hornivore (RBSM), The Last Man on Earth (RBSD) Consider: The Loverboy (RGLM)

Link: The Online Dating Persona Test | OkCupid - singles | Dating

The other result I got was The Window Shopper–Random Gentle Love Dreamer.  I can completely see this in myself.  I am a gentle love dreamer.  I think part of the reason I am so appalled by adultery is that I want to believe if I ever fall in love, that will be it.  You know?  If I find my person.  Which is potentially not impossible…

Anyway, I have water aerobics with old ladies in the morning to think of, so I’ll get to sleep. (:

California, n. a state in the W United States, on the Pacific coast. 23,668,562; 158,693 sq. mi. (411,015 sq. km) August 16, 2008

Well, I made it to Long Beach.

This may not come as a surprise to you, dear readers, but allow me to explain.  I was up at six, on the bus at six-thirty, at the airport by 7:45 for a nine o’clock flight.  And it was delayed… and then we found out that the crew was late… and then we found out that there wasn’t a crew… and finally, at nearly eleven, the flight was cancelled.  (Luckily, Hannah and Evan were stuck in the airport, too, and I talked with them for a little while.)  I thought I might be stuck in the airport all day–Evan compared me to Tom Hanks in a certain movie that I love–but they were able to get me on an evening flight out of San Jose.  How the hell was I going to get to San Jose?  For those of you who are not familiar with the layout of the San Francisco Bay Area, here is a map:

So it’s not close.  I was going to have to pay $75 for a shuttle, since the flight was cancelled due to ‘weather’ (that’s why the crew wasn’t there, anyway), so Jet Blue wouldn’t pay for it.  And then I remembered I am a master of public transit and decided to take a bus to the subway to Caltrain (a big commuter train that goes south toward San Jose) to the airport shuttle.  It took almost two hours but cost just over $10.  I basically spent ten hours for a one-hour flight, but I survived, and Caltrain is pretty cool, and Jet Blue moved my return flight so that I now have an extra day down here.

Today, my grandmother and I are going to the Los Angeles County Museum of Art, which “[h]olds more than 150,000 works spanning the history of art from ancient times to the present”.  Apparently, “in December 2007, Janice and Henri Lazarof gave LACMA 130 mostly Modernist works estimated to be worth more than $100 million.  The collection includes 20 works by Picasso, watercolors and paintings by Paul Klee and Wassily Kandinsky”–and those of you who know me know how I feel about (good) modern art.  

It should be a good visit.  The weather is beautiful, mild like Berkeley but much warmer.  Sigh.  I love California.

tell me something good… August 12, 2008

I haven’t felt so stable for so long in…well, suffice it to say, it’s been a very long time.  Yes, I get lonely.  Yes, I get anxious.  Yes, I have some vague medically undefined form of chronic fatigue.  But these do not stop me from living.  I am not uncontrollably happy, sad, angry, or anything else with little to no provocation.  I feel like…me.

It’s weird.  I don’t really know who I am because I’ve always defined myself in terms of my relationships with other people, or in terms of what I can produce.  I’m learning what interests me (Philip Roth novels, Linda’s Lollies–the best lollipops ever!–, travelling, art for art’s sake) and what scares or annoys me (furries, golden showers, both commitment and rejection [my ultimate fears that I need to learn to face!], phone calls when e-mail will do).  I’m learning to sit and consider, to ask myself what I think and how I feel.  I know it has a lot to do with the meds and the therapy, and I am so thankful I’ve finally found a combination that doesn’t make me even crazier but instead allows me to live my life in a way that I feel is manageable.

I’m saving a lot from modeling jobs–I’ve done another foot gig and a lingerie/nude shoot since my last post that earned me a total of $250.  It isn’t ideal, but sometimes the jobs are fun, and they pay better than anything else I’m going to find.  I have my Youth Radio work, too, and I think that paycheck will put me over the top for plane-ticket-to-London-buying. 

As to that, I’m really excited.  I think it will be a really cool experience–raising the money and buying my own ticket and spending my birthday in England with Natalie and Edward and…yeah.  My psychiatrist thinks it sounds like a great idea.  I sort of hope my parents are a little angry or upset or disappointed.  I never do things against their wishes, which I think is why moving into this house was such a big deal, because they weren’t really feeling it to begin with.  It’s time for me to start making my own decisions.  I don’t have anything to prove to anyone, other than myself.

Oh, if you’re interested, I have a new Facebook album up of pictures, mostly from my new neighborhood.  It can be found here: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2150189&l=aa4bf&id=22623400.

And, because I’m interested in what you guys have to say and also a glutton for feedback: tell me something good that has happened to you lately, or something you like/dislike about my blog, or something you wonder about (related to me or to any other subject you can think of).  Tell me anything, really.

1000 August 9, 2008

You guys!  I’ve made it over a thousand hits!  Thanks.  (:

Matt came over today; he’s the first one to see my new place.  Then we went to see Pineapple Express with Mary (after a quick game of life-size chess in his courtyard), and it was pretty hysterical.

I dunno, I miss Nat and Ed a whole lot at this moment.  Sometimes I feel quite alone.  I like that feeling, usually, but right now I wish I had someone to share things with.  I’m tired, though, so I’ll go to sleep.  (And I’ll likely wake up at some unreasonable hour anyway, so what does it matter?)

untitled 4. August 6, 2008

My latest weirdo stop-motion experiment. ^

Akathisia + fatigue = killing me.  I’m tired but I can’t sleep, and I literally want to leap out of my own skin.

Additionally, I feel broke.  And I need to buy my damn plane ticket for London before the prices go up.

But, good news: I’m headed down to Long Beach to stay with my grandparents next week for a few days.  It should be a nice break from the craziness that is my life.  And by craziness, I mean actual craziness.  And by life I mean brain.

koi, n. any of various bright-colored carp (Cyprinus carpio) of Japan and eastern Asia August 5, 2008

So yesterday was my one-year anniversary with my koi fish. Below, the happy couple:

I slept a good 8 or 9 hours last night, but I was still pretty tired today. I had to go back in to have more blood drawn, which was a pain. (Literally.) Also, I felt really tired and woozy afterward, so I went home before my psychiatrist’s appointment.

I finally have my classes sorted out! I’m waitlisted for one Poli Sci class that I’m taking to satisfy a requirement, but I got into everything else (which already gives me 14 units). Here’s my class list:
-HISTORY OF ART 185A P 001 LEC
Course Title: American Art (1800-Present)
-POLITICAL SCIENCE 179 P 001 LEC
Course Title: Undergraduate Colloquium on Political Science
-SLAVIC LANGUAGES AND LITERATURES 134F P 001 LEC
Course Title: Nabokov
-SPANISH 4 P 002 REC
Course Title: Intermediate Spanish
Waitlisted:
-POLITICAL SCIENCE 1 P 001 LEC
Course Title: Introduction to American Politics
It looks like a good setup. I’m really challenging myself with the Spanish 4, though. I think it’s going to be tough. If I get into the Poli Sci class, I might drop the Spanish and pick up a DeCal (courses taught by fellow undergrad and grad students on a variety of subjects). I wonder if there’s a way for me to take a lower level? Otherwise, I need to be practicing! I’ve just started reading stories in Spanish again online, and I took AP Spanish Lit in high school… Maybe it will work out.

Dinner: Ramen with corn and peas, applesauce, soymilk. Mmm-mmm.

house, n. a building in which people live; residence for human beings August 3, 2008

Here I sit, eating my breakfast of off-brand cereal and soymilk, and I am mostly happy. A guide to and assessment of my new life, for those who are interested, follows.

-The room: As you may have seen in the YouTube video I linked to in my last post, it’s not that big, but it is big enough for all of my stuff! It’s also a single; I’m not sharing a room with anyone, which is totally awesome. I’m a pretty private person in some ways, and I definitely like having my own space. I do miss roommates, but my new housemates make up for them.

-The housemates: I have yet to really meet James and Juan, but Amanda, Javin, Zack, and Sadie (and Isabella, the kitten!) all seem supercool. Last night, Zack came and knocked on my door and offered me a beer. When I mentioned that I don’t drink, he didn’t think that was weird–he just offered smoking a bowl with him and Javin instead. Amanda and Sadie got home eventually as well, and we all sat around, a little high, looking at the 1960s LIFE magazines I brought home from work and reading a children’s book I wrote. (You can see it here.) We decided we should write our own children’s book, and illustrate it.

-The house: is a student dump. You know the sort. But it’s messy, not dirty (for the most part), and that’s an important distinction. The showers are cleaner than the ones at Cloyne, anyway–not that that should be any kind of standard of cleanliness, ha-ha.

-The neighborhood: Holy crap, there are black people! Who aren’t homeless Vietnam vets! This is one of the things I missed about Atlanta. I don’t know if this can somehow be construed as racist (I hope not), but I always noticed that African Americans, particularly older people, were more likely to smile and say hello than their white counterparts. In fact, as I was lugging my groceries back from Safeway this morning, a nice lady was getting out of her car. “Good morning,” she said with a friendly grin. “G’morning,” I replied. The neighborhood is a great little mix. It’s bordered by upscale shopping and the projects, so I guess we’re all the people in between.

So that’s where I’m living. Cool beans.

foot, n. the terminal part of the leg, below the ankle joint, on which the body stands and moves August 2, 2008

Okay.

I’m finally back. For real. I’ve just been soooo tired. I actually went to the doctor about it yesterday and they’re doing a full blood workup, checking for stuff like anemia and Eppstein-Barr (oh, you know, mono, which I had when I was 16).

But everything else is going pretty well. I’m moved in to my new place; I even made a video about it, which you can find here. Beware of cuteness attack at the end, because the house came with a kitten!

I’m doing the foot modeling thing today–wish me luck! Yay for modeling gigs. (: Plus I have nice feet. (See here.)

August 1, 2008

I can’t write; I’m sorry. I can’t focus. I’m exhausted. I got plenty of sleep, but I can hardly keep my eyes open. I think I might be anemic.

I moved some of my stuff into my new place today. The house is okay, but I really like my room. I’m making it quite homey.

Argh going to sleep. (Hopefully. Better than rushing from thing to thing indefinitely.)